Finding My Magic in Pregnancy

I knew I wanted to be a mom. I also knew I was someone who was never great at planning far into the future. Yet by some strange magic, this mothering instinct seemed to sit at the back of my mind, influencing the other goals in my life. The underlying goal in all aspects of my career was to earn enough to put a significant amount into savings so that I could sustain raising a child. Then, over the past couple of years, I started focusing on my health to prepare my body to give my baby the nutrients he needs. A former sugar & carboholic, I began cutting out more processed foods and replacing them with fruits, nuts, and vegetables. Last Spring, I transitioned this even further, switching to organic produce and grass-fed/pasture-raised meats. For someone who was never great at planning the future, without even thinking about it too much, I was making all sorts of changes for a person who was only a dream at this point. This maternal instinct was so strong that for years I was essentially “nesting,” preparing myself for motherhood.

Of course, my goal date for this new adventure kept changing. When I was 25, I thought 35 sounded like a good age to have a baby, but after Evan and I married and bought our first house, the maternal instincts got stronger and my “goal age” kept creeping lower and lower. We bought our second house, moving from Boston to rural New Hampshire, and the goal age for us to start trying creeped down to 31--just a year into the future.

Then, just 2 months after buying our new house, we got a dog, an adorable but incredibly needy Boston Terrier. After experiencing the hurdles of puppy training, we decided we wanted an extra year before trying to be parents. Fate, on the other hand, had other plans. Really, Fate seemed to be set on our “pre-dog” plan to start trying on our 5 year anniversary trip to Rome. So on our trip there this past November, the night of the November New Moon and our last night in Rome...

well, a certain something happened to break in the heat of the moment...and I happened to be ovulating, and, well, I guess you can figure out the rest.

At first, we both panicked. We weren’t ready yet! I hadn’t created the backlog of content I planned to create over the next year! We still wanted a bit of a transitional break between raising a puppy and becoming human parents! And after those first moments of panic, we both calmed down and decided that if it happens, it happens. It wasn’t even guaranteed that I WAS pregnant. Sometimes it takes months and months of trying. Yet, I felt a warmth inside me. I felt like I really was pregnant. I remember putting my hand on my belly on the long flight home and just feeling happy.

I took the first pregnancy test soon after, too soon it turns out. It was supposed to be one of the early tests, but I tried TOO early for my body. It read negative, and I was utterly devastated. I had a complete emotional breakdown. I had truly believed I was pregnant, I FELT it, I had even dreamed of holding my baby in my arms the night before, and yet this test told me I was wrong. I asked Evan to buy me a cake on his way home from work, and I ate it in the hot tub, even making a photo post about it in my usual “trying to turn things into a positive and not reveal my actual feelings online” kind of way.

Within days from that moment, I started to feel like I was PMSing. (I had no idea that early pregnancy feels exactly like PMS!) But when the PMS symptoms went on for 2 weeks, and  I was a full week late for my period, I asked Evan to get another test. I took it first thing the next morning, and this time, it was a strong positive, and I was in utter bliss. Not only were we pregnant after all, but my instincts had been right.

And though this was a whole year sooner than we had wanted, I took it as a sign that maybe we had to get pregnant now because if we waited one more year, we wouldn’t have been able to.

All of this was happening in the midst of my favorite time of year: Christmas. We announced to our families over the holidays, knowing it was risky because of how early it was, but deciding we rather take that risk and share the joy of the moment with them all in person since it would be months before we were all together again.

Then, once January rolled around, I had to WORK hard through all the fatigue and bloat and miserable 1st trimester symptoms since my income depended on it, and like I said, I had ZERO backlog. Working as a model and actress, I had to shoot enough content to last me through the year...all before my belly started to show too much. A thing about pregnancy (at least from my experience) is that you do NOT feel sexy at all in the first trimester. I felt disgusting...and so completely exhausted, but I powered through because I knew if I waited, I wouldn’t be able to get it all done.

I prioritized the shoots that showed my figure the most, leaving anything where it wouldn’t matter if I had a bit of a bump for later. It was hard. It was so hard. I found out I was incredibly anemic and that the baby had been depleting all my iron stores. All of the nurses commented on how they couldn’t imagine how tired I must feel between that and the standard fatigue of the 1st trimester. But I made myself continue to work just the same.

On the days when I felt really sick, I would sit on the couch and write up all my shot lists for filming. I would plan out my year. I became really good at making schedules and actually following them (something I had never been great at before). I spent the remainder of my 1st trimester and beginning of my 2nd trimester shooting all the content I needed, and set a goal to have everything edited and scheduled to post by the end of June so that I could spend the month before my August due date working on any personal projects I wanted to wrap up.

I honestly felt like a superhero. I was so proud of myself for making plans, crossing items off my list, while keeping up with house chores and cooking for my husband, and doing it all while feeling incredibly fatigued but somehow managing. It was like pregnancy had given me some kind of superpower that allowed me to PUSH through all these challenges. I didn’t even care if my husband actually noticed how hard I was working or not, I was proud of myself. I’m usually pretty hard on myself, so for me to actually feel proud is a big deal. I think so many of us are too hard on ourselves, in fact, and we forget to celebrate the wins...so, friend, make sure you you celebrate YOUR wins. Moms are seriously MAGICAL in how much they are able to accomplish. I had known this for years witnessing everything my own mom had done, and now I was starting to get a taste of it myself.

To help with the anemia, I made further dietary changes and began taking high dose iron supplements, but when they re-tested my levels, my anemia was getting worse. My body wasn’t absorbing the iron well enough and the numbers were dropping. They decided to have me go to a hematologist, who then recommended I begin IV infusions of iron directly into my bloodstream. I will not lie: I was a nervous Nancy about this. The idea of anything being pumped into my veins at a high dose triggered my anxiety. But it wasn’t so bad. (If you have to do this and you’re anxious, bring a support person with you, and stay the extra 30 minutes for monitoring.)  After the first 2 sessions with no negative side effects (outside of that fact that instead of helping my energy levels they made me more exhausted), I was no longer anxious about the process.

I completed the 4 rounds and had more labs drawn. My levels had only gone up a couple of points, which surprised the doctor. He told me my iron saturation should have been at a 40-50% after that much iron was put into me, and I was only at 12%. He had me booked for 3 more rounds, and when those were completed and more labs drawn, my levels had returned to healthy amounts. I am no longer anemic. Hooray!

I only found out this good news a couple of weeks ago. Prior to that, I was starting to have some anxiety about my upcoming delivery day knowing that between the anemia and the sizeable fibroid in my uterus, blood loss would be a big issue. In spite of that, I managed to start feeling a bit more confident about labor (by forcing myself to think positively about it), but getting the news about my healthy iron levels was an incredible weight lifted off my shoulders.

I’m 39 weeks 1 day pregnant today, and I’m hoping he’ll come here sooner than later because my feet have been swollen like balloons and I am at the point where I want to just have him in my arms instead of inside me, but I’m feeling confident about the labor. When I close my eyes and breathe deeply, embracing the contractions and the cramping, I feel the magic, that same magic all women possess, that we all can draw out from ourselves in times of intensity if we just close our eyes and focus. And when I feel this spiritual and primal fire inside me, I know I can do it. I know I can give birth to this little bundle of joy, because I already found my inner superhero. And if you haven’t yet, I hope you know that she’s there..and if you need her, you WILL find that part of you, too. <3 We all can #bethemagic. Just believe.

Photos taken on Monhegan Island, Maine by Amber P.
Edited by Me
Maternity Gown
Flower Crown