Musings from a Sleep Deprived Mother

It had been almost 3 hours since he woke from his short slumber, and I had a raging headache from the amassing sleepless nights and fussy days. I had already changed him, nursed him, burped him, and attempted to put him in his bed twice to a protest of screams, and now, as I rocked him in my arms in the darkness of our bedroom, I found myself thinking that I couldn’t wait till we got to the point where he sleeps through the night because maybe then I could function. But as that thought fired off in my sleep-deprived brain, a more potent thought erupted from my soul and went straight for my heartstrings: he is not going to be this little forever. Sleep suddenly seemed so trivial.

I immediately broke down into a hot mess of tears when it hit me, trying my best not to let them fall onto his sweet little head pressed against my chest. He had finally drifted into sleep, and now I found myself not wanting to let go. I wanted to feel the warm weight of his body in my arms forever, overwhelmed with the reality that time is passing too quickly. It’s already been 4 weeks since I first held him. How did that happen?

It’s funny how your whole mood can change in the fraction of a moment. There had been so many days of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed from the lack of sleep, constant feedings, and hearing him scream whenever I set him down so that I could fill my water bottle or use the bathroom. It had been wearing on me—I had felt myself stretched thin and isolated in my emotions, not wanting anyone to know I was having a hard time adjusting to this new life where doing a single load of laundry in a day was considered a major accomplishment because of what little time there was to get to any task outside of caring for the baby. I felt like a failure. Wasn’t I supposed to continue to maintain the house AND the baby AND my job AND excel at it all?

That’s the pressure so many of us feel as mothers, and it’s not fair. We shouldn’t be feeling inadequate because of all the things we aren’t able to get done in our increasingly busy lives. We should be giving ourselves grace because being a mom is HARD. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it takes more time than any other job. We can’t add this additional full time job in and expect to continue excelling at everything we were doing previously because these high expectations will only make us focus on what we’re doing wrong when we should really be focusing on what we’re doing right.

It doesn’t matter if the sink is full of dirty dishes or you haven’t showered in 3 days (or even 6…) Sure, it would be nice to do those things, but you are not a failure if you don’t. You are still a superhero! You grew a human being inside you! And you are doing the hardest job there is! And as long as you take care of that baby, you are a GOOD MOM. You do not need to be perfect. Our babies don’t see our flaws; they see US.

So as I laid my baby back in his bassinet that night, I thanked God for sending me the reminder to be GRATEFUL for the time I have with him, even the hard parts. You might not always be able to change your circumstances, but you can change the way you think about them. Yes, I still might not be getting much sleep, my nipples might be sore, my back might be aching, and I still might have moments when I get so overwhelmed that I break down into tears, but this is temporary. Those discomforts will not last, just like he won’t be this little forever, so I want to savor every moment I have with him.

Now when I wake in the night to care for him, I try not to let the exhaustion get to me because I am grateful for the opportunity I have to spend this time with my baby boy. I have to choose to focus on all the little moments I have with him before those moments pass me by. I want to savor every single one.

My fellow mamas, I want you to know that if you are overwhelmed, it doesn’t make you a failure, and you are not alone. We are in this together, united in motherhood. And we are superheroes, dirty dishes and all, so long as there is love in our hearts.